Choices

Today's discord was over personal choices. Whether to put the fan on the ceiling or on the floor. As usual D digged up past choices to pull off his “I-must-be-right” and “you-will-regret” stance. 

Plugged in my earphones thinking I'd rather listen to blasting music than your nagging. Finished off my work items and took my personal laptop out to work on personal matters. 

My playlist started with songs of character - Fireflies, Change, 我的未来不是梦, 青春大概, etc. Then it started to play songs like Smile, Smile, Smile, 情非得已, Loser. Kinda telling hur, my phone. 

Cooled off after a while. Then thought I should pen this down in somewhere where I would be too lazy to continue the routine. So I guess that's why it ended up here. Hopefully less of such “missed opportunities” to document in this space!

人与人之间的喜欢与爱

我喜欢你，与你无关，你可以选择喜欢或不喜欢我。

你喜欢我，谢谢你，让我知道我有让人喜欢的地方。

我爱你，那就是当我愿意为你付出，而不求回报。

你爱我，那就是你应该对我负责，而我也会回报你对我的爱。

泡沫之夏

他，是她的。   而她，是自由的。—— 欧辰   

愿上帝赐我平静的心，让我接受我无法改变的事情。  愿上帝赐我勇气，让我改变我能改变的事情。   愿上帝赐我智慧，让我能够分清这两者。   —— 洛熙   

Two of my favourite lines in the novel. :)

知心朋友

人世间真正称得上知心朋友的有几个？

我想没有几个。

如果让我坐下来跟一个人讲真心话的话，我肯定会哭得唏哩哗啦。我想这也是我最大的缺点。

From Thought Catalog

17 Thought-Provoking Ideas That Will Alter Your Mindset

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/17-thought-provoking-ideas-that-will-alter-your-mindset/

1. People who chase things for the wrong reasons are never happy. Millionaires are miserable, people in great relationships always find something else to complain about… its because they were in it as a race to who could check off how “successful” and “happy” they were by the only means they knew how.

2. It’s less about the goals you achieve and more about the fact that you set goals in the first place. It instills hope, it inspires you. It means you know which way you want to go.

3. It’s better that you’re not always happy. You need to have something to strive for and look forward to.

4. If you’re not naturally inclined to be grateful for what you have, just think about a few things each day. Slowly, you will realize that you have everything.

5. Find your own reality, we all have one, whether we embrace it or not.

6. Nothing that will remain happens overnight. Rejoice in the little victories. Don’t be discouraged by things that take a long time– they are always worth it.

7. Everything you need to be happy, you already have. Nothing from the external, physical world will make you happier than you can make yourself right now, by learning to love what you have, not what you seek.

8. Coping techniques should be employed daily. Deep breathing, writing, walking, whatever it is for you. It is important to express your emotions and learn to take care of yourself in this sense.

9. It is most crucial that you keep yourself interested in things. When you lose that interest, you lose interest in living. Everything you’re doing, even right now, is propelled by your innate interest in it.

10. There is a certain, unmistakable freedom in being honest, vulnerable and truthful. You’re not trying to hide yourself, you’re not worried about anybody attacking and hurting your ego. You are just simply being the “you” that you are right now and being okay if and when that changes.

11. It feels uncomfortable to not apply our lives to a situation or idea presented, because we feel like we’re being naive and neglectful. But the truth is that things are rarely as personal as we make them out to be. Most people are just trying to get themselves by, and we end up being collateral damage.

12. Somebody else’s road map will not get you somewhere new. It’s good if you’re doing something that hasn’t been done before– pave your own way. That’s how we evolve.

13. Learning to make sense of negative feelings rather than just fall into them gives you a way to “control” your emotions: by helping them pass through.

14. Happiness has more to do with contentment than joy. The latter is not sustainable, realistic or even desirable. We need the contrast of things.

15. Everything is passing, and just as your struggles will fade given time, so will the great things you’re neglecting to give your attention to the negative.

16. What bothers you in others is what bothers you about yourself. It not only changes how we relate to other people, but how we think of ourselves too.

17. Making peace with uncertainty and change is the greatest feat, as its the only guarantee we have.

人生•戏

如果人生是一场戏，你会如何编织故事的情节？

「如果我能看得見，生命也許完全不同。可能我喜歡的我想要的我愛的，都不一樣。」（萧敬腾 - 你是我的眼）

會不會 有一天 時間真的能倒退

五月天 

乾杯

會不會 有一天 時間真的能倒退
退回 你的我的 回不去的 悠悠的歲月

也許會 有一天 世界真的有終點
也要和你舉起回憶釀的甜 和你再乾一杯

如果說 要我選出 代表青春 那個畫面
浮現了 那滴眼淚 那片藍天 那年畢業
那一張 邊哭邊笑 還要擁抱 是你的臉
想起來 可愛可憐 可歌可泣 可是多懷念

懷念總是 突然懷念 不談條件
當回憶 衝破考卷 衝出歲月 在我眼前
我和你 留著汗水 喝著汽水 在操場邊
說好了 無論如何 一起走到 未來的世界

現在就是 那個未來 那個世界
為什麼 你的身邊 我的身邊 不是同一邊

友情曾像 諾亞方舟 堅強誓言
只是我 望著海面 等著永遠 模糊了視線

會不會 有一天 時間真的能倒退
退回 你的我的 回不去的 悠悠的歲月

也許會 有一天 世界真的有終點
也要和你舉起回憶釀的甜 和你再乾一杯

這些年 買了四輪 買了手錶 買了單眼
卻發現 追不到的 停不了的 還是那些
人生是 只有認命 只能宿命 只好宿醉
只剩下 高的笑點 低的哭點 卻沒成熟點

成熟就是 幻想幻滅 一場磨鍊
為什麼 只有夢想 越磨越小 小到不見
有時候 好想流淚 好想流淚 卻沒眼淚
期待會 你會不會 他會不會 開個同學會

他在等你 你在等我 我在等誰
又是誰 孩子沒睡 電話沒電 心情沒準備

天空不斷 黑了又亮 亮了又黑
那光陰 滄海桑田 遠走高飛 再沒力氣追

會不會 有一天 時間真的能倒退
退回 你的我的 回不去的 悠悠的歲月
也許會 有一天 世界真的有終點
也要和你舉起回憶釀的甜 和你再乾一杯

會不會 有一天 時間真的能倒退
退回 你的我的 回不去的 悠悠的歲月
也許會 有一天 世界真的有終點
也要和你舉起回憶釀的甜 和你再乾一杯

終究會 有一天 我們都變成昨天
是你 陪我走過 一生一回 匆匆的人間

有一天 就是今天 今天就是有一天
說出一直沒說 對你的感謝 和你再乾一杯
再乾一杯永遠 喝了就能萬歲 歲歲和年年

時間都停了 他們都回來了
懷念的人阿 等你的來到

時間都停了 他們都回來了
懷念的人阿 等你的來到

有一天

只怕有一天，我最不希望看到的人出現。

只怕有一天，你在另一個人旁邊。

只怕有一天，我看到的再也不是一個人的照片。

只怕有一天，你說的永遠不再永遠。

只怕有一天，我不再為你眷戀。

只怕有一天，你會忘了我的一切。

也怕有一天，我會把你忘卻。

這一天，還是不要來到吧。

即使會來到，也不要太早到吧。

That Girl in Pinafore analysis (not by me)

Hey guys,

chanced upon this analysis of TGIP by a blogger and it made me look at the movie in a different light! P.S. The director of the film replied to his post too! :)

Here it is: http://insertcoinandpressstartbutton.wordpress.com/2013/08/04/that-girl-in-pinafore-analyzing-the-films-hidden-message/

That Girl in Pinafore

"What is essential is invisible to the eye." -- That Girl in Pinafore

I went to watch That Girl in Pinafore yesterday alone. Yes, alone, that was my first movie alone haha.

Well to summarise it, I was immersed in it, besides a few familiar faces (my friends who had cameo), I choked on my tears at a few parts, and the ending was really unexpected, you could hear some ppl in the cinema go 'wth', 'whatt', etc.

I like the story line and how it weaved the decline of 新瑶 into the lives of the teenagers. It was a very Singaporean film I can say, personally I like 新瑶 a lot, especially 梁文福's pieces. I could relate to some parts of the movie and it was quite close to home. Hmmm, I had to self censor some of the content and language though...

Here's the link to the trailer, if you haven't catch it in the cinemas, please do and I promise it's worth a watch! :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1XBIQjTLOw

I saw the preview of Ilo Ilo and I'm looking forward to that at the end of this month! :)

500th post milestone!

Hey everyone!

This is actually my 507th post, I missed my 500th post but shall do a mini reflection about my past 500 posts here. :) It's been more than 5 years since I started blogging (which was used to be the 'in' thing back then). I was on hiatus for a long period of time before I decided to return to blogging since keeping a diary is much more time consuming and tiring. Haha!

I don't think /many/ people actually read my blog anymore, after changing the url for the umpteenth time, but I still enjoy the /quite/ high traffic flow for my blog, be it robots or random readers.

I decided that I would mainly write on little things in life and those really fond memories (which are typed out and saved elsewhere). So I do hope to continue blogging in the years to come and here's to the next 500 posts! :D

Food for thought #6

#6 1 August 2013

She stared at her phone – he was last seen just five minutes ago but why.. why hasn’t he messaged at all? They’ve been messaging back and forth every single day for the past month; the length and depth of each message increasing with each new message and then.. and then today, the messages just stopped. 

Surely he didn’t lose his phone – he was last seen just five minutes ago. 

“Oh my god, have I stooped to such an obsessive stalking level?” she sighed. Perhaps. She knew she was falling and was sinking even deeper..

The truth that she hated to admit is that she had fallen deeper for him over their conversations. Over the dreams she had of him. Over the good morning and good night messages. They made her smile. His smile.. made her heart flutter. Every single time. She wish she could simply tell him all that.. but..

Why isn’t he messaging me? Did I say or do something wrong? Has he lost interest in me? Maybe he never was interested to begin with. What if I messaged him first? No, that’ll make me seem desperate. I don’t want to annoy him. Maybe he’s busy. Yea, he’s definitely busy. Or maybe..

She sighed again. It was almost midnight. She had been thinking about him the whole day. Waiting for his message. It never came.

“I miss you” – she began typing a new message to him.

‘I can’t send this. No way. He’d think I’m clingy. But I do miss him. Too much. And I hate feeling this way – the not knowing,’ she thought to herself.

The thing about love is.. there are different ‘stages’ before we fall. She.. was at stage 3.

She closed her eyes, took in a deep breath and against her own sanity.. she hit the send button.

In a matter of seconds, she saw that he was “online”.

Surely he’s reading the message now.. but then, just as abruptly, he was back to “last seen”. No reply.

She clutched her phone close to her heart, waiting, hoping for his reply as she drifted off to sleep in tears.

There are five stages before we fall.. she is now in stage 4.

-

Lately, I’ve been trying to complete a certain other love story that I titled “Five before we fall”.. it was meant to be a personal narrative exploring five different stages we often go through leading to the point where ‘love’ becomes more than just a word..

But I’ve abandoned the story.

Because my current reflection of reality has changed; and reality is painful to write.

You know, stories of potential romance are not so simple or straightforward. Most boy meets girl stories don’t and won’t end in happily ever in love.

“Five before we fall” was meant to be this “other” love story. What could’ve been. What may never be.

It was meant to explore the feelings, the thoughts, the stages and the games we’re all guilty of playing from the minute we find ourselves attracted to a person and as we go through the stages of falling..

For guys, it’s about the chase.
For girls, it’s playing hard to get.

We play these games because we’re unsure. Of feelings. Of thoughts. Second thoughts. Third. Fourth. The whole night. Every fucking night. We long to receive and read messages from a certain someone. We want to hear their voice, see their smiles, know how their day went and everything about him/her..

Eventually, we might reach the point where we know what or how we feel about the other person.. but we don’t know how they think and feel about us. So we play the games we do.. cautiously testing the frozen ice. To be sure it’s safe. To be sure we won’t plunge ourselves through the cracked ice just because we were a bit too quick, a bit too eager to take that next step when.. well, when the ice wasn’t ready.

But playing the game is tiring. It’s confusing. It’s uncertain. Frustrating. It consumes your energy, thoughts and nights. You can’t stop thinking about this one person throughout the day, and especially during the moments just before you go to sleep; then again when you wake up in the morning – worse, you actually start visualizing a future together with this person who you have absolutely no idea what or how they feel about you.

So we play our cards cautiously and patiently even though it’s absolutely killing us. Because try too hard and she might see you as desperate and get turned off. Play too hard to get.. he might give up trying and move on.

And to add to the complication, there are even times the mixed signals get perceived wrongly.

A girl might think that a guy is into her.. but he isn’t. Or not yet. A guy might think the girl is not into him.. but she already is. And it scares her.

And it’s exactly why we play the games that we do. Because we’re trying to figure one another out hopefully without getting ourselves hurt. Because the one who admits falling first might end up hurting the most.

You see, there are no rules to this game that we play, but i'd like to believe there are different stages..

The five stages that I was going to revolve my narrative around were of:

Attraction. Interaction. Affection. Confession. Decision.

In this process of falling, the moment has to be perfect. Two people who are attracted to each other and find chemistry through interaction, have to both come to the point of mutual affection at the same time before the moment of confession and decision.. because here’s the brutal truth, whoever confesses first (and when the other person isn’t ready).. loses.

You developing feelings and confessing too soon might scare him/her off. He/she might back off because maybe they feel you’re getting too serious too soon while they’re still at the “figuring out” stage.

So we play the games we play. Threading carefully on thin ice. Waiting for the opportune moment. That moment when both of you just know there’s no need to play any more games because both of you are already pretty sure of what you feel for each other even if it’s not said yet.. then comes confession and if the moment is right and you two make a mutual favorable decision to take a chance and make an effort in love.. you win. You both win.

This unspoken game we play.. there are no rules.

Well, okay maybe just one.. we have the freedom to love anyone we want; what we don’t have.. is the right to control the way they feel just because we feel a certain way towards them.

Just because we love, loved or still love someone.. doesn't meant we can expect or demand the one we have feelings for to feel the same way for us.

Feelings take time to grow in or out of. That’s the most painful or potentially beautiful part.

It’s the reason why I titled this attempted narrative “Five before we fall” – the five stages before we either fall in love or fall out of love.

I’ve abandoned the story. I'll not be continuing it anymore.

But to you reading this, if you haven’t already met your special one.. here’s to our one day, one person, and many beautiful moments together with this other.

Food for thought #5

#5 28 July 2013

Friends. We love them to bits because they bring joy and meaning to our lives – that’s the beauty of friendships. The tragedy of course, is when things go bad and we end up hating the ones we once loved.

Sometimes though.. there is no love lost or hate developed - two people just naturally drift apart without a reason or explanation; perhaps priorities changed (or we did).. and in the process, maybe it became a mutually understandable natural separation.

No need for apologies or goodbyes. We just go on and get by. Are became were. Strangers with memories. Memories of a time and moment when we were once friends.

In this lifetime, we all have and will have our different expectations and kinds of friendship. Strangers. Acquaintances. Friends. Close friends. Best friend. Soul mate. They each mean something distinctly different to each of us.

And we often treat or talk about these people in varying degree or frequency depending on how much they matter or how much they’ve hurt us. Bottom line is, we talk about them.

This post is a little different. This one is about the friend(s) we have/had that we won’t ever forget but may never speak of or about (again) – not by name anyway.

1) The crush – That one secret eye candy crush that no one knows about and no one must ever know about. Especially not him/her. So the thing about this crush is that you two might actually know each other on a very superficial level but you’re okay with that. You just don’t want anyone else to know. You just want to continue admiring this person of outer beauty from a distance without things getting awkward or worse – him/she losing that ‘magical appeal’ once you start to get to know eye candy crush better. Cos you know.. they are merely eye candies for a reason.

2) A friend that you're in love with – This is different from the crush that you can choose to keep your distance from. This is an actual friend that you see and talk to on a frequent inevitable basis. This could even be your best friend that you secretly love. Maybe, the feeling is actually mutual. Both of you know there’s a certain feeling of affection for each other but neither of you will mention or act on it because you also know that it’s almost definitely not going to work out as a relationship (and that failing, would literally mean it’ll be completely awkward or perhaps even over between you two even as friends); you both love and appreciate each other enough to always want the other in your life.. but as a friend, not a lover.

3) Friend with benefits – self exploratory. If you don’t know, you’re either too innocent or under aged. Please close this window and go to sleep. Those who do know though.. if it’s mutual, it’s cool (to each his or her own). But this is a friendship that needs to be kept between two people and two people only. Don’t be an asshole that kisses and tell after you get some or just because you’re never gonna get some more. This is not some public high score game. People might want to know but they don’t need to know – respect the other who trusted you.

4) The secret(s) friend that doesn’t fit into your regular social circle. That “outside” friend who you sometimes confide in just because you trust and find comfort in the belief that he or she won’t judge you or end up gossiping about you the way your friends in your regular social circle might, whether intentional or accidental. With this friend, you might actually open up a lot more to and find yourself being closer to this person than even your ‘regular’ friend. It’s your little secret. And you want to keep your secret friend and your secrets with this person as a special friendship that only the two of you share. No other.

5) The stranger – you may have met this person once. You may never meet this person again. But in that moment that you did, he/she made a significant impact that left a permanent imprint in your life. One which you will always remember and appreciate the lesson(s) that it taught you or just feel grateful that the moment itself happened. Some people call these strangers – angels in disguise. We may not know them, maybe we never will.. but it’s not who they are but what they did and left you with when your lives once coincided that's most valuable of this chance encounter.

Hmm there are more that I can think of and write about but this is just my personal take on like 5 "different" kinds of friend(s) that we won’t ever forget but may never speak of or about because.. well, because of a reason that only we will ever know why.

Food for thought #4

#4 23 July 2013

I don’t usually write or share anything academic related. Mainly because I’m not someone in a privileged position to share about any kind of academic secrets or success (but i've been deliberating life choices a lot lately and as I consider my options i'm reminded of this).. 

“The hopeless failure who overcame the odds in school”. That’s never been my story. 

I’m one of those who has always been an academic struggler. Average at best.

Truth be told, I hate studying. I love learning what’s applicable but I absolutely hate the idea of having to study what seems almost irrelevant. I mean, sure some of the things we learn in school are good to know (for the sole reason of regurgitating the retained information during exams) but my life doesn’t depend on knowing how to solve algebra equations..

If you can relate to any of the above.. you and I are likely to be batting on the same team. Chances are, someone might have already labeled you, dismissed you, given up on you based on the marks of your tests or grades from your exams. I know what it feels like to be a “hopeless/useless nothing”.

And this is why I’m going to share my story with you.. I will let you know first though that this isn’t going to end in some, “I eventually achieved straight As, topped my class, blah blah blah”. No, it’s actually going to be the complete opposite. I’ve never actually achieved anything academically significant..

While people take two or three years to complete their JC /ITE or Poly education.. I took 5. In those 5 years, I contemplated dropping out of school twice. And on three other occasions, I was almost kicked out. That should give you an idea of the kind of student I was.

You see, when I graduated from secondary school at 16.. the system decided where I could go or not go based on my results. O Levels - apparently “the most critical life defining” moment of a 16/17 year old in Singapore because society labels and judges you based on where you go and what you choose study. Who the bloody hell has the right to judge the rest of a 16 year old’s life based on one paper? Well, apparently the system and society.

And that’s a lot of pressure for a 16 year old because let’s be honest.. we don’t really know what we want to do for the rest of our lives or career at aged 16. Sure we might have dreams or ambitions, but they only start to make more realistic sense when we’re about 18. And even at 18, we might start to realize that maybe what we grew up wanting to be, isn’t what we want to be or do after all. Maybe you’ll start to realize that what you grew up wanting to be.. was merely society or someone else’s expectations that molded your aspirations. It’s their dream. Not yours.

But at 16, you’re expected to “make a decision that defines who you are and how your life/career will be” based on one paper. Society is watching your every 16 year old move very closely, ready to judge and label you..

So what do we do?

We make our influenced decisions based on parents/ popular/limited choices or how others might see us. If you did well, well good for you.. you’ve got choices to choose from. If you didn’t do well.. well you’re fucked and now condemned to the limited choices the system has narrowed down for you.

My story.. I enrolled into a business course. It was the popular choice. I thought I was going to learn how to make a lot of money and be successful in the business world. Did 2 years of it, discovered and decided that it was clearly not my thing at all and made the switch to a media course instead.. had to redo another 3 years but I have absolutely no regrets.

Here’s the thing though.. some people might know of my media portfolio. And what a lot of people might naturally assume is that perhaps by default, I managed to do whatever I’ve been doing because I was in a media course.. the fact is, I wouldn’t and won’t ever attribute anything I’ve personally achieved, to the course I was in. Whether I was in the media course or not, I would've still done the things I did. Everything that I’ve built on my media portfolio was through my own effort and a few individuals who’ve guided me along the way. Towards them, I’ll always be grateful and acknowledge.

But anyway, back to my story.. so I spent 5 years in a Polytechnic. And a lot of people gossiped. Sneered. Looked down on the fact that I wasn’t just a “long service stayer” but “the longest service stayer”. I was never ashamed or embarrassed though. People knew of me, but not my story. And if they don’t bother to know or be part of my story, it isn’t my problem what they think.

There was one particular person though.. who made a significant impact during my 5 years in school based on what this specific person said. This person was someone I used to look up to, up to the point when person in particular said (and meant it) to my face.. “you’re never going to make it”.

You know, after five years and having graduated.. if anyone were to measure my achievements based on society’s definition of success.. then maybe said person was half right because I haven’t exactly achieved anything at all. But I’m not done with my journey yet. I’m merely one quarter into it.

In this lifetime, whether 16 or 61, it’s not going to be up to that person, or anyone else for the matter.. to decide who I can or cannot become, or whether I make it or not. Sure circumstance or situations might want to write the script differently sometimes, but our lives are still ultimately in our own hands.

Failing is not the grade on our paper or what others label us to be. Failing is when we give up. When we feel sorry and make excuses for ourselves. When we stop trying. That’s when we’ve failed ourselves in life.

I am truly of the belief that the advantage in life goes to those who find themselves the earliest, not those with the best grades.

So to anyone else who has ever struggled or might still be struggling.. you’re not a “hopeless failure”. We may be strugglers, but that has taught us to be survivors. And regardless of our own different stories.. we’re going to make it, maybe not necessarily outstandingly good, but we're going to make it to the end. And it’s going to be one heck of a story.

This one’s for the strugglers.. trudge on.

Food for thought #3

#3 11 July 2013

Friends drift apart all the time. Groups of friends we might have known from childhood, secondary school, poly or university will dwindle over time for varied reasons. You could be the"best of friends", sharing personal secrets and hanging out almost everyday but become awkward strangers the next season..

Friendship is really just one of those indefinable words that mean different things to different people at different times. Most friendships are transient, they come and go with time, place and circumstances. Acquaintances may turn into friends, friends may turn into strangers.

Its sad but some friendships are just not meant to last. People change, priorities defer, situations occur.. we change. I personally don't believe in the whole calling each other "best friends forever"..

Imagine if you go around declaring that a certain person is your "bff" but after a petty quarrel, you never speak to each other ever again (almost true story). That'll certainly be a joke, wouldn't it?

I've learned that true friendship doesn't need to be labeled or broadcasted with such terms, its simply a special relationship between you and whoever.

Anyway, I was just thinking about a certain something regarding friendship.. more often then not, friends fall out because of a misunderstanding. But I guess sometimes, when deep down we feel that it'd be such a waste to let a particular friendship be destroyed like that, we should just put our pride and ego aside and take the initiative in saying "hey, we need to talk"..

Have a heart to heart talk and thrash things out face to face, not talk behind each other's back creating a series of negative repercussions and animosity. Because its all these bitching over a certain misunderstanding that destroys friendships and relationships, not just our own but the people around us as well.

Even if resolving the friendship is beyond hope, we shouldn’t ever go so low as to kiss-and-tell. Certain friendships may not always have a happy continuation, but their past values should never be negated.

Incidents will sometimes happen, but the secrets and memories shared should always remain special. Sacred. Its stupid to deny or tarnish the value of those memories.

Its also extremely degrading when one starts dishing out all the dirt in a fit of emotional fury or for revenge. Personally, I really don't think we should ever disrespect another in the eyes of others just because they longer fit into our life.

The thing is, we are actually a sum total of all our relationships, past and present, mixed together with our own peculiar personality. Every single person we've met along the way, no matter how long we've known them or how much we've shared during those times, have definitely made us who we are today in little ways we might not even have realized ourselves.

All these people are there for a reason. They give meaning and often leave an impact at various stages of our lives. And its all these special moments that are to be treasured because although friendships may not always last forever, its these memories that do..