Food for thought #4

#4 23 July 2013

I don’t usually write or share anything academic related. Mainly because I’m not someone in a privileged position to share about any kind of academic secrets or success (but i've been deliberating life choices a lot lately and as I consider my options i'm reminded of this).. 

“The hopeless failure who overcame the odds in school”. That’s never been my story. 

I’m one of those who has always been an academic struggler. Average at best.

Truth be told, I hate studying. I love learning what’s applicable but I absolutely hate the idea of having to study what seems almost irrelevant. I mean, sure some of the things we learn in school are good to know (for the sole reason of regurgitating the retained information during exams) but my life doesn’t depend on knowing how to solve algebra equations..

If you can relate to any of the above.. you and I are likely to be batting on the same team. Chances are, someone might have already labeled you, dismissed you, given up on you based on the marks of your tests or grades from your exams. I know what it feels like to be a “hopeless/useless nothing”.

And this is why I’m going to share my story with you.. I will let you know first though that this isn’t going to end in some, “I eventually achieved straight As, topped my class, blah blah blah”. No, it’s actually going to be the complete opposite. I’ve never actually achieved anything academically significant..

While people take two or three years to complete their JC /ITE or Poly education.. I took 5. In those 5 years, I contemplated dropping out of school twice. And on three other occasions, I was almost kicked out. That should give you an idea of the kind of student I was.

You see, when I graduated from secondary school at 16.. the system decided where I could go or not go based on my results. O Levels - apparently “the most critical life defining” moment of a 16/17 year old in Singapore because society labels and judges you based on where you go and what you choose study. Who the bloody hell has the right to judge the rest of a 16 year old’s life based on one paper? Well, apparently the system and society.

And that’s a lot of pressure for a 16 year old because let’s be honest.. we don’t really know what we want to do for the rest of our lives or career at aged 16. Sure we might have dreams or ambitions, but they only start to make more realistic sense when we’re about 18. And even at 18, we might start to realize that maybe what we grew up wanting to be, isn’t what we want to be or do after all. Maybe you’ll start to realize that what you grew up wanting to be.. was merely society or someone else’s expectations that molded your aspirations. It’s their dream. Not yours.

But at 16, you’re expected to “make a decision that defines who you are and how your life/career will be” based on one paper. Society is watching your every 16 year old move very closely, ready to judge and label you..

So what do we do?

We make our influenced decisions based on parents/ popular/limited choices or how others might see us. If you did well, well good for you.. you’ve got choices to choose from. If you didn’t do well.. well you’re fucked and now condemned to the limited choices the system has narrowed down for you.

My story.. I enrolled into a business course. It was the popular choice. I thought I was going to learn how to make a lot of money and be successful in the business world. Did 2 years of it, discovered and decided that it was clearly not my thing at all and made the switch to a media course instead.. had to redo another 3 years but I have absolutely no regrets.

Here’s the thing though.. some people might know of my media portfolio. And what a lot of people might naturally assume is that perhaps by default, I managed to do whatever I’ve been doing because I was in a media course.. the fact is, I wouldn’t and won’t ever attribute anything I’ve personally achieved, to the course I was in. Whether I was in the media course or not, I would've still done the things I did. Everything that I’ve built on my media portfolio was through my own effort and a few individuals who’ve guided me along the way. Towards them, I’ll always be grateful and acknowledge.

But anyway, back to my story.. so I spent 5 years in a Polytechnic. And a lot of people gossiped. Sneered. Looked down on the fact that I wasn’t just a “long service stayer” but “the longest service stayer”. I was never ashamed or embarrassed though. People knew of me, but not my story. And if they don’t bother to know or be part of my story, it isn’t my problem what they think.

There was one particular person though.. who made a significant impact during my 5 years in school based on what this specific person said. This person was someone I used to look up to, up to the point when person in particular said (and meant it) to my face.. “you’re never going to make it”.

You know, after five years and having graduated.. if anyone were to measure my achievements based on society’s definition of success.. then maybe said person was half right because I haven’t exactly achieved anything at all. But I’m not done with my journey yet. I’m merely one quarter into it.

In this lifetime, whether 16 or 61, it’s not going to be up to that person, or anyone else for the matter.. to decide who I can or cannot become, or whether I make it or not. Sure circumstance or situations might want to write the script differently sometimes, but our lives are still ultimately in our own hands.

Failing is not the grade on our paper or what others label us to be. Failing is when we give up. When we feel sorry and make excuses for ourselves. When we stop trying. That’s when we’ve failed ourselves in life.

I am truly of the belief that the advantage in life goes to those who find themselves the earliest, not those with the best grades.

So to anyone else who has ever struggled or might still be struggling.. you’re not a “hopeless failure”. We may be strugglers, but that has taught us to be survivors. And regardless of our own different stories.. we’re going to make it, maybe not necessarily outstandingly good, but we're going to make it to the end. And it’s going to be one heck of a story.

This one’s for the strugglers.. trudge on.